Drums of the Islands are beating in my heart. This is a quick snapshot of my two kids upon our initial arrival to Hawaii’s Garden Island of Kauai during summer vacation 2018. The excitement and anticipation of their next few days in paradise was just starting to become a reality to them and I was so happy and proud that my wife and I could share such a great gift. Something completely unimaginable to us when we were that same age. This trip took 45+ years on planet earth for Pati and me to amass the courage, planning skills, and resources to pull off, but seemingly came so easy and free to our own brood and it was admittedly a bit of an emotional and overwhelming moment for us both.  I have learned through trial and error and missed opportunities that moments like these are my chance to document something worthwhile.  So I snapped this pic to capture the unrehearsed and simple pleasure of hearing my two kids literally and elatedly “eeking” about the view.  It was so refreshing to be able to participate in their pure, unadulterated and seemingly blissful joy.  My words really can’t describe the feeling we all experienced or do it the proper justice.  It was absolutely surreal and beyond anything any of us had imagined.

Growing up the son of a poor Kentucky coal miner and waitress who divorced when I was only 9 years old, and also enduring the death of my caretaker and grandmother that same year sent me on a life-long journey for survival and a search for meaning that would take years to even partially untangle.  Not only could I not imagine such extravagance in the form of a luxury vacation, but I couldnt imagine most things that included family unity, joy, or a complete sense of autonomy and freedom from the worries of the world even if just for a few short sun-filled days. That scarcity mentality still often prevents me from being capable of complete relaxation or to fully enjoy so many of the blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon me.  Blessing like good health, a faithful and honest wife, a great family, more than a handful of true friendships, and the means to provide for our future.  I have a life that many people would envy.  Even with all of that clearly in my grasp, the blessing that I should be immensly grateful and humbled to possess, often find me incapable of enjoying them in the full glory and token of heaven that God has intended. To expose myself even a little more, when I do try to relax and enjoy the tender moments,  I don’t do it very well and I can ruin the experience in that moment for those around me with very little to no effort no matter how hard I try not to do so.

Most, if not all of this baggage, comes from deep seated insecurities that I have learned to mask as the master showman and emotional poker player that I have evolved into. My survival skills combined with life’s lessons have taught me never to show weakness or vulnerability even if it means putting on a charade for others to entertain themselves with or unravel.  By the time they get me figured out, I’ll be gone to the next person, place or thing and no one will be none the wiser or so I think.  As a quick but relevant detour, my kids have just recently informed me that I also have a bit of a phenomenon know as Resting Bitch Face (RBF).  This RBF condition translates into the perception by many that my normal, resting facial features and expressions are too intense and intimidating to some people. The advice: “Dad, I think you should occaisionally grin like an idiot to soften your otherwise cro-magnon attributes to make yourself more approachable and to put those around you a bit more at ease.”  Who knew if was so simple? Perhaps by now you would think being comfortable in my own skin should come easy with all of my coaches and expert commentary, but I suspect that I am not alone in the fact that it doesn’t get me even an inch closer to my desired state.  I’d venture to guess we all have a few dirty garments mixed in with those othewise clean clothes that are still neatly packed away in our luggage.  The dirty garmets, allbeit just a few, might be part of what’s smelling up everything else in an otherwise island worthy wardrobe.  If we are ever going to heal and live up to the full potential that we are intended to, we might have to take the plunge, unpack the fresh and the soiled garments together, and wash the whole lot so that we can get on with enjoying this temporary endeavor and token of paradise we simply call life.

Psalms 36:10 says, “Be Still and Know that I am God.”

I think I speak for almost everyone when I say that it is much easier said than done! We live in a fallen world and we are always packing around our suitcase full of smoldering stench to each and every destination on every head trip we find ourselves embarking upon. Society expects us to look, act, think, and develop habits that are normal and socially acceptable regardless of the enviroment, circumstances, or company we find ourselves in. When what we are feeling inside doesn’t match the expected response or we don’t emote in a certain way because of feelings of judgment, guilt, shame, awkwardness, or insecurity or when we don’t dance just because someone else is beating the drums rythmically, then it is easy to feel out of sync in those moments which can create undesirable outcomes or environments.  Vacation is a great time of reflection, relaxation, and recuperation if done well and I hope you are on a journey or even a quest like I am to make this temporary dry run as close to heaven as it can possibly be.  However, if you find yourself a little out of step or out of sync with the expectations of the world, just be still, gather your mental belongings and honestly reset the expectations with yourself and others and take a nap by the pool or down by the ocean, you’ll be surprised how much better everyone involved will feel by just being honest and letting God change the outcome.

A close friend of my wife’s recently said,

“Sometimes even when you are getting all of the advice in the world from the most well-meaning people, you have to know yourself and your own situation well enough to just be still and trust God to guide you.”

I found that reassuring, because like those drums of the islands beating in my heart, God is with me no matter where I roam.  If ever I wander if ever we’re apart I know that He will lead me home! Mahalo!!